You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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