I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
