Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
