he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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