The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
