saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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