Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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