how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
