He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
