i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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