Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
