I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
