My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
