The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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