dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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