eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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