What did we do last night that was yellow?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
