i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
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