It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
