I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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