I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
