i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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