Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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