Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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