the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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