It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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