She is in my trunk
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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