This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
