i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I just found puke in my bra..
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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