I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Did I show you my penis last night?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
