Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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