Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
