life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
