Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
