found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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