Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
