Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
