i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
