I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
