Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
