So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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