I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
