just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
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He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
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Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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