Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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