I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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