bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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