When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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