My friends, they love my intelligence
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
