Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
