How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
