how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
