He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
