Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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