Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i wish my penis had a tongue
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
