just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
