It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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