i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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