at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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