I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
