Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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