If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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