In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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