i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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